Download Scotland's Jesus by Frankie Boyle - An Extract PDF

TitleScotland's Jesus by Frankie Boyle - An Extract
TagsForest Stewardship Council
File Size535.5 KB
Total Pages25
Document Text Contents
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our own idea of ourselves, but actually to serve our status,
other people�s idea of ourselves.

We�re the �rst completely market-oriented generation in
history and it has destroyed our ability to be free and con-
scious. We�re not the people we pretend to be. If I invented
a time machine, I�d like to think that my �rst trip would be to
go back and kill Hitler. In reality, I�d use the �rst trip to kill
Piers Morgan�s mother at the moment of his conception, and
the second one to go back and check.

I remember even as a kid scouring those little brochures
you�d get from Woolworths for my parents� Christmas pre-
sents. Like you, I moved on to express myself through the
charities I supported, the bands I was into, even the people I
hung around with. Around me grew a society where people
would turn up for the half hour of adverts before a �lm and
never complain, where we tried to express our individuality
through the purchase of mass-produced goods. Even my
favourite comedian, Bill Hicks, was peddling that �individual-
ity through smoking� thing. That was just an angle thought
up by ad men decades earlier. People started to speak of the
ads being better than the TV shows, somehow believing
against all the evidence that the TV shows were the principal
content and the adverts incidental. Now we understand that
everything is to be marketed, even art.

I read the comic-book writer Alan Moore describe art as
�propaganda for a state of mind�. Who do we create propa-
ganda for? Our equals? No, for the easily manipulated, for
those we have contempt for. So to be an artist in the wholly
marketed society is to have contempt for everyone. You prop-

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agandise for your state of mind to others – and it’s not even
your state of mind. It’s the off-the-peg set of opinions you got
from the part of the culture you tried to buy into, from a set
of people who were propagandising to you. They’re not even
your ideas. They weren’t even theirs.

Of course, this doesn’t make you happy, so you need to
propagandise the chosen state of mind to yourself, through
self-help literature, a term I use loosely here, to cover a whole
bunch of stuff, including most religions and newspapers.
What’s the drive of your little internal propaganda office?
Well, it’s to sell the idea of you, to advance your status. By
convincing people who you are too guarded to truly know
about a bunch of ideas that you don’t fully believe. And in
any case, in a world of seven billion people what’s your status,
really? In truth, it doesn’t matter any more than the charge
on an electron.

Orwell imagined a coercive totalitarian state but Aldous
Huxley probably made a better prediction of our current real-
ity. In Brave New World people are complicit in their own
enslavement; they’re into it. I think we can go further. It’s not
just that people are controlled by propaganda, or even that
they enjoy being controlled. I think that people are now prop-
aganda. People are no longer the things being controlled, they
are the method of control, both of themselves and others. Of
course, I’ve written this little serious passage here to advance
my own status.

I�ve tried to structure this book as simply as possible since
it�s supposed to have the energy and �ow of a good stand-up
show. Hopefully, everything is done here as I�d do it on stage

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SCOTLAND’S JESUS

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�Paedophile Billionaire�, which reminds me of the old chil-
dren�s rhyme: �The grand old Duke of York, he had ten
thousand friends. Not one of them what you might consider
babysitting material.� Perhaps all paedophiles should be
forced to have celebrity friends. It�d be an end to them being
able to loiter anonymously around school gates. �Get in the
car, kids, quick! I don�t like the look of that man playing
conkers with Bono!�

Fergie took £15,000 pounds from Epstein. How many
people would turn down �fteen grand, no strings attached,
because it came from a child abuser? I mean, many people
give more than that every year to clothing companies who tie
six-year-olds to sewing machines. Fergie said, �I would throw
myself under a bus for Andrew.� He�d be very touched, if he
knew what a bus was.

• • •

Prince Harry fought in Afghanistan. They kept that pretty
quiet, didn�t they? It�s good that he went. If you want a �ag
waver for democracy it makes sense to send a prince. I say
hats off to him. It�s about time we had a few more positive
role models for downtrodden ginger people. It might �nally
inspire them to turn their back on witchcraft.

Harry admitted that he�s killed people, which should put
an end to the question of whether he�s really a member of the
royal family. Saying that he�s killed members of the Taliban
hasn�t made him a target; it�s made all the gingers in the army
who aren�t surrounded by personal bodyguards twenty-four

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FRANKIE BOYLE

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hours a day targets. It shows how sensible he�s been, though.
Nobody can get near you with a bomb belt if they have to be
naked to get into your hotel room.

Prince Harry underwent hostage training in preparation for
Afghanistan. It can�t be easy having a royal hostage. You�re
supposed to cut off bits that serve no useful purpose and post
them back. Where would you start? I hope he never gets killed
on active duty. I hate to think of someone saying they need to
inform his next of kin, then all the generals just looking awk-
wardly at the �oor.

Harry was in the US to attend the Warrior Games. If he
wanted to watch injured servicemen �ght among themselves
he should just nip down to any soup kitchen in the UK and
throw a slice of bread on the ground. I�ve a fascination
with watching disabled people play sports that has developed
naturally from years attending Scottish Premier League foot-
ball matches.

Cheryl Cole revealed she had a dream about marrying
Harry. Something that in real life would surely end in a car
crash bigger than her solo career. Cheryl doesn�t seem like
she�d �t in with the royals, but who knows, maybe the Queen
also has a barbed-wire thigh tattoo. In most of my dreams I�m
a princess as well � although I then unfurl into a half-horse,
half-Gok Wan centaur who plays just behind the front two
for Spurs, so I don�t know what to think.

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